August 17th, 2013.....a date in which I made a decision, a hard decision to let go of someone I care so much about. Someone I love. The mind is a powerful source as well as the heart. When the two don't agree with one another, there is a choice to be made. Do you follow your heart? Do you follow your mind? or do you avoid both because that is what is easier?
October 16th, 2010. I was asked to be his girlfriend carved in a pumpkin. The sweetest request I had yet to receive at the time. This day, though I was not sure I was quite ready... I knew I couldn't deny this man and deny myself a chance to see where things could go. Little did I know, he would become my best friend, my supporter, my partner for almost 3 years. Never had I been with someone who's character and way of thinking was so much like mine. He is good, genuine, sweet, positive, smart, and incredibly forgiving and understanding in so many situations. Through losing my job, moving out of state, dealing with health roadblocks, coming back to Denver, and working through different living situations...he was there. He stuck through it all, we both wanted to push through it for one another.
Why you ask? Why would something everyone saw as so perfect and a man who would do absolutely anything just to love me would I dare end things so abruptly? who does that?...I know these questions will ponder in anyone's mind reading this. Many would have done anything to have what he gave me.
This is not the first time I have fallen in love, been in love, and cared for an individual. Since I was 16...yes 16 I have been in a relationship. Long relationships. Each one had its differences and my love for each one was different, but it was still love. 5 relationships between age 16 and 28. Just because you love someone, does not mean its meant to be. I am so grateful to know what love feels like. I have touched the hearts of these individuals just as they have touched mine. These experiences have taught me to know what I want, what to look for, and to not settle until I am 100% sure its truly what I want.
Both my parents are on their 3rd marriage. Many others I know have gotten divorced and then there are others in marriages and or relationships they are not happy with but are too scared to get out because they do not want to leave what is "comfortable", what has turned into their "routine", or most of all are too scared to be "alone".
Well, lets just say at 28 I am very determined not fall into this "trap". I fully understand that relationships take work, its not always going to be great. Given my experiences, I have learned this very well. This time, I had hope. My heart had hope that this may be it, that I can finally relax and let things happen and even though not every aspect was what I wanted, it was ok. I didn't need to worry about another "failed" relationship. I was accepted, I was loved, that is all that mattered right?
Here is the catch, my entire twenties I have been in relationships. I dedicated my efforts and my energy in those relationships and in doing so, the desire to just be "me" without any commitments was never fulfilled. I don't even know what its really like. I would never be able to 100% give myself to someone until I gave my heart what it needed first. My heart has been ignored for so long. In knowing this, and thinking that I could ignore it and it would be ok was never going to happen without serious consequences in the future. Unfortunately, the man who has given me so much and wants to just love me has to now suffer a broken heart in order for me to follow mine.
Call me cruel, call me selfish, and call me an idiot. The heart wants what it wants. Right now, I truly feel that I am doing what is best for both of us. I cannot give him what he wants and deserves at this time. He deserves someone who is willing to put in just as much effort to make things work as he is. Our pages no longer match up. I have moved backwards and he forwards. This time apart is not about dating other people, or doing anything other than just being "me" with no commitments to anyone but my own. This is for me to just be ok with being by myself and enjoy some of the things I have neglected doing because I have been in relationships that required my extra time to be with them and put that priority over anything else. In the end, I know this choice is going to bring me to where I need to be. Its is only until my heart tills me it is ready that I can give 100% of myself to someone else.
So there you have it....I hurt the one I love, to follow my selfish heart. This is my honesty, I have nothing to hide. I write this only to allow me to look back on this decision, to document this time in my life, and give others a chance to see my side of things.
Love is Crazy, The mind is powerful, and the heart wants what it wants. If my heart is pulling me in one direction and my mind another, the best thing to do is to follow your heart until your heart and your mind match up creating a sense of balance and peace. That is when you will finally realize, what the right decision is. For now, I shall do what I intended to do and hope that I find my way.
